Number of times I created: 0
Number of things bought: 2
Number of days I stuck to my schedule: 3
Amount of Presence: 65%
Amount of Space: 5%
As the subtitle suggests (and if you’ve read my last 1-2 posts you will understand more about why), this week has me feeling that my life is currently an utter shitshow. Between getting the notice I’ll be losing my job, having to fix a work project for other people who get to keep their jobs, finding out I have more skin cancer, my shoulder continuing to cause me pain, and my house being a wreck, I feel like the proverbial ducks are so far from being in a row that they might as well be on other planets.
It’s times like these when I can feel like I’ll never get those ducks on the same planet, much less in a row. When I feel things like, “What’s the point? I suck at this.” And while I should probably slow down so I can focus and be intentional, the growing to-do list has me resisting that slowness. So I become more tired, more angry, and less able to herd ducks.
But if you noticed at the start of this Substack, I actually felt an increase in the amount of presence over last week. Despite feeling like a disaster, I have managed to stay present in the disastrous moment. I’ve noticed when I feel angry, and about what. I’ve noticed what’s triggering me. And I’ve had the wherewithal to stop and acknowledge that this is not permanent, this utter shitshow state in which I find myself.
Meaning
At the beginning of the week, a friend sent me the below (apologies, but I don’t know where it came from).
It felt and feels very relevant to my current situation, facing a potential career change and a deep sense of “this is not working” about my life. It also reflects what I talked about last week, about being intentional. And the idea of burning it all down is very appealing.
But what would burning it all down look like? I have some ideas, some of which entail becoming a hermit. What I do know is that what you burn down and the potential you’re left with, the “magic in the mulch” so to speak, should align with what you feel brings meaning to your life. And because meaning is so personal (especially since many of us don’t exist in social and cultural spaces where meaning is very specifically defined for us1), it takes a lot of thought. As Daniel Klein points out in Travels with Epicurus, meaning doesn’t come easy for us these days. Although my meaning is still TBD, I am starting to see pieces of the puzzle come together. Something about connecting people to themselves and nature, something about caring for the earth, something about supporting others to do good work. Like I said (wrote), TBD.
An Update on the Challenge
You may recall that the challenge for July was my non-negotiables. While I did at least track these (meditate, clean up, stretch, in bed by 9:30 p.m., and plan the day) each day this week, I continue to be quite inconsistent. And I think that’s because my schedule itself is so inconsistent. Yes, I want to do these things, but when is there time to do them? Your to-do list can be a mile long, but you’ll never get through it if you don’t have the time.
The schedule I laid out for myself recently with only ~3 social events for the week and stopping work early on 3 days while I work longer hours on 2 days and some time on the weekend was great. But given my current job uncertainty, it’s no longer feasible. I have to make a shift. Additionally, although it’s great to know when I will or won’t work, that doesn't mean I know when I will do the things to take care of myself that I know are all the more important right now. Figuring this out, too, is TBD.
Finally, on shopping: I bought two things this week that weren’t replacing something worn out or even for the animals. After finding out I needed another skin cancer surgery, I went into a frenzy and bought a dress while I was buying shoes to replace ones that had worn out. And in thinking about how upset my messy house makes me, I broke down and bought one of those automatic saucer vacuums. I feel a little guilty about the dress (and will maybe return it), but I’m actually curious about the vacuum. Related to the point above about finding time to take care of myself, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I can cut out or automate from things that I should do routinely to make life simpler. How can the girl who is historically terrible with routines find one that works for her and helps those ducks to get back in line? Will a vacuum cleaner that does the sweeping automatically for me help (in reducing time sweeping but also in reducing the mental load of a messy house)? A robot vacuum can’t fix everything, but it is a helpful piece? Again, TBD.
Ok, y’all. Here’s hoping that next week is less of a shitshow. Remember, the most important thing is that you keep showing up. And as long as you’re still trying, you haven’t failed.
Here I am thinking about strict religious, social or political orders that have defined societies in the past.