Number of times I created: 1
Number of things bought: 0
Amount of Presence: 70%
Amount of Space: 30%
Hi there. Happy Sunday! While this week was still difficult (I still am losing my job and still have a chunk of skin cancer to surgically remove), my mood has been lighter. And I’ve felt more present. Who knows which was first—it’s a classic chicken or egg situation—but I’ll take it.
It’s also August now, which means it’s time for a new challenge. I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I want to do as well as what I’ve done. In particular, I’ve been thinking about past challenges (like no TV unless creating) and realizing that instead of making them part of my everyday life, as soon as the challenge was over, I reverted to business as usual. This is despite the fact that I liked how I felt when doing them.
I’ve also been thinking about what I shared last week, namely the part about “transforming what’s outdated and rotten at the core into fuel for the future.” That part about burning it all down has my stuck on a thought loop: what would it look like if I did burn it all down? (Metaphorically speaking… just to be clear, Universe, this is not me asking for anything to physically burn down).
Last year I spent a weekend at Magnolia Grove Monastery (which is in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Plum Village). For those who don’t know me, I’m a practicing Tibetan Buddhist, and I was shocked at the difference between the two traditions. Namely, that a retreat at Magnolia Grove is less about meditation while sitting on a cushion or even listening to a teacher, and more about meditation as a way of living. We were advised that we should never rush to get somewhere (even when late) and instead walk with purpose and care everywhere we went. Meals were in silence for the first 20 minutes, and they were simple but tasty. Yes, we meditated on cushions, but we also meditated on walks. And there was singing! That was the biggest surprise at all. Real singing of songs, not chanting. It was a wonderful weekend during which I didn’t miss Instagram or wine at all.
I also keep thinking about my response to my breathwork coach when she asked me what it would look like if I went 100% in on my life. I said it would be full of reading, creating, spending time outside, and a sufficient dose of doing nothing. This reality is possible. Yet, whenever I am stressed or overwhelmed, I go for that glass of wine, switch on the dreaded TV, zone out, stay up too late, and end up tired the next morning… setting myself up for another stressed and overwhelmed day.
As soon as the monastery is out of sight or the “100%” I’ve written on my hand as a reminder has faded, there goes the vision of something different. Why do we keep doing the things that don’t serve us? Why does change take so long (at least for me)? And what would it look like if I burned it all down? (Again, metaphorically… can you tell I’m a somewhat superstitious person?)
Now, before I go on, there is nothing wrong with slow change. Forward is forward, no matter how slow. Baby steps are way better than giant leaps forward followed by even bigger leaps backward. But at this juncture of my life (turning 40, job stuff, etc.), it feels like I’m constantly hanging on the precipice of something big, but I just keep standing on the edge, looking around, not knowing exactly how to leap.
August Challenge - Light a Fire
While I wanted the August challenge to be “burn it all down,” I still am not sure what the would look like. In my head it would be insane and dramatic. You know, sell my house and all my possessions, moving to another country, never talk to anyone again, and start working as a music executive. That doesn’t seem like the right thing for me to do.
But when I think about what’s “outdated” or “rotten at the core,” I think of:
Deprioritizing working out and other self care routines for work or other sources of overwhelm
Skipping meals because I don’t have anything to eat and am overwhelmed, and then stuffing my face with something I went out and bought while hungry (i.e., probably not a good choice)
Getting super upset about clutter or dirty dishes in the sink (which I haven’t dealt with because I’m overwhelmed)
Feeling guilty that I haven’t used any of the resources I’ve given to myself to have a better life (online courses, books, coaching, etc.)
Dreaming of a bunch of creative endeavors I don’t undertake because I’m scared and overwhelmed
As you can see, there is a lot there that’s based on being overwhelmed. And yes, I have 10 acres and 14 animals to take care of, but when I look at how I really spend my time, very little of that is on the animals. Yesterday, I did spend nearly the whole day on animals. I built 75% of the duck run. I cleaned up after the boys and the ducks. And at the end of the day, I was very tired. But I wasn’t overwhelmed. I felt accomplished. It felt nice to care for the creatures.
It’s the stuff that overwhelms me. The things that are all over my house, in the garage, and in my car. It’s the number of meetings and appointments on my calendar that aren’t filling me up. It’s the commitments that I have that I can’t do well without putting myself second (or, let’s be real, last). It’s the latent belief that I should be able to do it all and do it better than I am.
So based on this, here’s what I’m going to do to try and start the fire:
One weekend day with nothing planned
No TV unless creating
Get rid of 100 things (donate, trash, or sell)
Phone lives at the table by the door (thanks Cal… IYKYK).
Daily work shut-down and post shut-down cleaning
Some of this is obviously not new, and I’ll still keep the work schedule I committed to in a previous week. My former health coach would probably say that I’ve listed too many things (and, actually, I had a handful of other things listed before I cut them). That, instead, I should focus on one thing and let the success of that fuel me to do something more. But I’m in the mood to burn things down, and one baby step isn’t going to cut it.
So tell me, if you were getting rid of something rotten or that no longer serves you (lighting the fire, so to speak), what would change for you?
Life Advice
One short post script from me: I’ve just started a second Substack that focuses on quick, direct, and compassionate advice called Dear Manders. My first post is here; it’s a response to a question I received about big life changes. If you have a moment and interest, I hope you’ll take a look and even subscribe.
Thanks, y’all. I wish you a week full of letting go that which does not serve you.