Number of times I created: 1
Number of things bought: 0
Number of things I got rid of: 10/100
Amount of Presence: 35%
Amount of Space: 25%
Black New Moon
I wrote the majority of this post on Saturday (23 August), which was the day of a new black moon. Technically speaking, this is a third new moon in a season that will see four new moons. Such a moon is rare; someone told me that it only comes every 33 months. As such, it is supposed to have great power. During a Friday open session, my breathwork coach shared an Instagram posts that outlines what this specific event can mean.
Do I 100% believe this? No. I have relied on my mind instead of my heart and soul for far too long to have fully given up on my skepticism. I am a jaded human, so this kind of thing always has an air of “woo woo” to it for me. However, I always appreciate an opportunity to set intentions. So set intentions I did. I outlined five points, in detail, that I am hoping (planning?) to manifest. And that brings us to this whole “deserving” thing…
What do you deserve?
If you’ve known me for a while, you’ll know that I don’t believe in the idea that we “deserve” something. It’s too subjective. What you think you deserve and what I think you deserve will likely be different, perhaps even dramatically different. Not to mention that the Universe doesn’t care what you or I think you or anyone else deserves. It has its own logic.
You deserve to be happy. Great, but that’s something I have to do for myself, not something that happens to me.
You deserve to be with someone great. Awesome… so where are they?
You deserve a vacation. Cool. If you’ll just wire me the money for that and tell my boss I can’t do the 5,000 things on my to do list, that would be really helpful.
Upon further reflection as I was working on my intentions to share with the Universe for the black new moon, I realized another, very personal reason why I dislike the term deserve. It’s because I secretly (although not so secretly now) believe I deserve some things, or in some cases don’t deserve some other things, and am not getting them. See, for example, last week’s post on respect as a primary example. And because I’m not getting them, I think deserving is bullshit.
To skip straight to the punchline, no matter the reasons behind why I believe this, deserving is bullshit. We may say it all the time, but what I think I or you deserve is just my own conceptualization. It’s based on my beliefs, my background, and (frankly) what kind of a mood I’m in. Therefore, “deserving” really isn’t a thing. Instead, the only concept that’s real and understandable to you or I is what you can build for yourself: virtue, discipline, simplicity, love, goodness, etc. And to truly focus on these without feeling anger, envy, or resentment at the Universe, you have to let go of the idea that there is such a thing as what you deserve.1 Otherwise, you may wait around for things to happen to you or, worse yet, become resentful when they don’t.
Self-Discipline
This where discipline comes in. Building what you can for yourself rather than waiting on what you think you deserve requires you to master the concept of self-discipline.
If I told people I know that I don’t think I’m very disciplined, I imagine some (and maybe most) would say that’s not true. They’d focus on how I have a PhD, or take care of 14 animals, or whatever else about my life you can see from the outside. But what I mean when I say I’m not very disciplined is that I’m historically not good at being disciplined for myself.
In a previous post, I wrote about being all in, 100% for yourself and what that would look like. I even wrote “100%” on my hand in Sharpie. But that sentiment lasted a few days at most. Humans are creatures of habit, and it often takes something big and bad or very slow work to make a change. Before I knew it, I was back to overcommitting and making sure work or obligations to others got done while I watched commitments to myself fall to the wayside.
It may seem contradictory, but committing to yourself can also mean surrendering to the Universe and its own version of what you deserve. Christians have a saying: let go and let God. To be honest, I’ve always scoffed at this. “Wow, must be nice to just assume God and Jesus will do everything for you. Us Buddhists don’t have that luxury. Everything is our responsibility.” But, you know what, I think I finally get it.2 You cannot live life trying to force everything. I mean, you can, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. I’ve been thinking, “If I can just work hard enough, control myself enough, I’ll get what I deserve.” Even though I’ve known all along that deserving is bullshit.
Instead, we have to surrender the outcome to the Universe. Actually, we have to trust the Universe, that it (whatever it is) is in our corner, and that those things which are meant for us will find us. So while we surrender the outcome, we dig into and commit to the process, which is up to us, and to ourselves. We develop our virtues.
Virtue is not holiness, but rather moral and civic excellence in the course of daily life. -Stillness is the Key
And this requires more routine than I currently have in my life. Presence and space are my goal, but these are not possible without routine. Without this structure that is grounded in our priorities, we may be pulled in all sorts of directions. Routine is not the opposite of carefree or spontaneous. Instead, it frees up space for those things in your brain by automating the most important (and perhaps very unglamorous) parts of life. Some routines I’ve seen in others that I appreciate:
One of my friends (who is retired, it should be said) gets up and goes to his cabin to have coffee and read in the mornings. I love a slow start to the day (says the person who wakes up at 6:45 a.m. to run around before a 7 a.m. start to work calls most days).
Cal Newport talks about routines for deep work, such as going to new or different places to think deeply each week: a bookstore, a special coffee shop, a pub, or a park. I love the idea of planning for concentrated effort on something and making it special.
Cal also mentioned that he works out in the late afternoons after work as a way to demarcate work and leisure. I like this idea, especially since 7 a.m. call times make it unlikely that I will do a full workout in the morning (under the awful lights of my garage).
I guess we have God to thank for this one, but the Sabbath was a great idea. I like the idea of one day each week for reflection and no plans. This could be combined with Cal’s weekly planning routine.
I really liked the book The 5 AM Club, and there are a lot of great routines there. Some key stuff to do every morning to set yourself up for a great day (although I can end up feeling bad about not being able to do them all).
So during the new black moon day, I started working on a routine for myself. It’s kind of what I’ve been working on all along. Why do I think this time will be different? That I’ll stick with something? Well, because all I can do is keep trying, taking those baby steps forward knowing that the journey will never really be over.
In summary…
Ok, so to recap: deserving is bullshit, but building a life for yourself is not. That life requires self-discipline and a commitment to yourself. It simultaneously requires you to surrender the idea that you can control the outcome and trust that the Universe has got your back. Routine can help with committing to yourself as you intentionally lay out a plan for how to build the life you want.
P.S.
I realize that the last two weeks have been published on a Monday. Sundays have gotten eaten up by things that were important (friends and ducks). I hope to resume our regularly scheduled program this Sunday.
While I don’t believe in deserving, I do believe in karma. Cause and effect. But that’s the method of the Universe and has nothing to do with what people conceive of as deserving.
I get this particular concept. No, I’m not converting, although I am down with Jesus.